So many things to do and say, but I can’t seem to find my way, but I wanna know how.
I know I’m meant for something else, but first I’ve gotta find myself, but I don’t know how.

Oh, why do I reach for the stars when I don’t have wings to carry me that far?

I gotta have roots before branches, to know who I am before I know who I wanna be,
Have faith to take chances, to live like I see a place in this world for me.

Whatever comes I know how to take it, learn to be strong, I won’t have to fake it.  
The wind can come and do its best.  Blow me north, and south, east and west, but I’ll still be standing.

If I have roots before branches, to know who I am before I know who I’m gonna be.  
Have faith to take chances, to live like I see a place in this world for me.

It’s said that I lack support out here. But I lack more than just support….

I haven’t felt safe since I moved out here… and although I find some solace in being alone, each time I am near you, I feel like I can finally be myself, safe under the protection of someone who cares for me in a deeper way than I understand… someone who would never hurt me…  The emotional sacrifices made, the “what ifs” and “could be’s” all ignored… Something I would never want to jeopardize exists between us, and although it seems impossible to attach a name to it, I know it’s all I need to get through the times I face ahead, for you have always been here for me and continued to support me, never judging me.  If ever I found out that I had limited time to live, I would choose to spend that time with you, for all of the good that you’ve made me see in my life.

As Celine put it…

For all those times you stood by me
for all the truth that you made me see
for all the joy you brought to my life
for all the wrong that you made right

You’re the one who held me up,
never let me fall
You’re the one who saw me through
through it all…

You saw the best there was in me
lifted me up when I couldn’t reach
You gave me faith ’cause you believed
I’m everything I am….

You were always there for me
the tender wind that carried me
a light in the dark
shining your love into my life.

You’ve been my inspiration
through the lies you were the truth
my world is a better place because of you…

You make me want to become a stronger, better, more independent person… and that’s good enough for me.

Thank you.  I will never forget all that you have taken me through.

currently listening to:
Alin – 我很忙
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxzQ2IVs-vw&feature=related

I’m not a bad person because I change people… I meet someone, and I fall for them. I fall for them HARD. And in the process, I give them my all, I do anything and everything for them. I try to change them, and I get hurt in the process, but at the end of it all, when I’m no longer by their side, they realize it too. I’ve changed them for the better, and I’ve made an impact in their lives. Sometimes if you can’t live without someone, you’d rather cut them out of your life completely and never hear about them again. Just move on with your life.

Thinking back, was I ever a “bad” gf? No, I doubt that. In fact, I may have been “too good” to the point of smothering and unhealthily complacent. No, that’s not being a bad gf, it’s caring too much more than he does. It’s being too available and worrying too much about his needs. Fortunately for me, I’ve come to realize I need more than that too. I need to be happy, not by keeping him happy, but because I am doing something I truly enjoy doing, for myself.

Who needs a new year’s resolution when their resolve is just to be happy for themselves?

One aspect of unconditional love is being able to give of yourself without expectation of return or reward… You must expect nothing for the love that you give, not even love… “Love is giving without remembering.  Receiving without forgetting.”  This does not mean that you allow people to do what they want to do in your life or to you.  It simply means that you live each day as an experience of sharing, with no hidden agendas or expectations of a return on your investment.  Love requires an honest sharing of time, space, resources, and life for the sheer pleasure of it, while it is pleasurable… Unconditional love will expose dishonesty and fear [of those who have hidden agendas].

Self-love will enable you to take the healing time, the healing space, without fear.  Sexual compatibility will not do it.  The need to be needed will not give you the strength.  The desire to be taken care of will not give you the courage.  You’ve got to know how to love yourself whether you are in or out of a relationship. 

When we have hidden agendas, unclear motives, unachievable fantasies, dishonesty, and false responsibilities as the basis of a relationship, it is a safe bet that there is no love present.  What is present may look like love, it may feel like love, but it is not, in any way, shape, form, or fashion, even closely related to the essence of love.  You cannot do what makes absolutely no sense and call it love!  When love is present, everyone wins… When you are willing to tell one lie after another lie after another lie, when you sneak or hide, when you do to someone the very thing you would not want done to you, you are not in pursuit of love.  You are acting out your garbage!  Mental and emotional trash!  The thing about trash is that you know exactly what it is!

Life is a function of your desires, multiplied by your expectations, divided by your choices.

An insecurity is an unremembered piece of information…. When the insecurity is fear, it is actually the fear that you have forgotten something very important.  When the insecurity is suspicion, you suspect that you will make the same poor choice or bad decision you made in the past.  Since we have forgotten the truth, we believe that we are messed up in some way or in many ways…. In relationships, we call to mind everything we think is wrong with us to support the belief that we are not lovable….

You must learn to accept and forgive people in order to heal yourself…. it means that you must look at what you do, not what’s been done to you. 

Spend my life turning away drunk friends, exes, etc who show up on my doorstep bloodied and beaten up.  Instead, I’m dragged out of bed before the crack of dawn, heading downtown to take care of a very sober, strangled, and beaten-up brother, who was assaulted by a VERY dangerously drunken and psychologically unstable business partner.  Ironic how life has a way of messing with us, huh?

The world that we live in is so dark and twisted… everything can be “taken care of”.. by way of bribery with objects, women, money or just by way of threats….. 白い巨塔

The world around me slowly crumbles to my feet as I struggle to make it out alive.  Set in motion by a weekend of intense, regrettable, and irresponsible drinking.  Nice one.  Really, just keep piling it on…… 

and how does it feel?

….feels like drowning…